4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:4-13, NIV)
Many years ago, in the mid-1990's, I was very anxious, during a time in my life that I was so sick I couldn't even fold socks. I discovered verses in Philippians Chapter 4:4-13 (what I call my Anti-Anxiety Scriptures) and would read them a few times in a row, even out loud sometimes, to help my anxiety dissipate. I didn't know it then, but years later (in 2009), I was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis (allergic reactions to foods due to the white blood cells, the eosinophils, which were in my esophagus because of the foods, but they don't belong there), which was the cause of my being sick so much. Anyway, the reason I had anxiety was because I was afraid of being sick again, and again, and again. I was so tired of it. I began seeking medical help, visiting family practitioners, and gastroenterologists. They couldn't help and probably thought I was crazy. I was psychologically unstable as I wanted to end my life. I cried out to God multiple times to take my life (a request I later learned He never honors, nor fulfills). I was also saddened thinking about how it would cause my husband and sons great pain if I did anything rash. Elijah had asked God to take his life. Here are some Scriptures explaining that instance.
3 Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, 4 while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
7 The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.
And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
14 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
15 The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16 Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17 Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18 Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”(1 Kings 19:3-18, NIV)
Some of my friends would come to visit and think I looked perfectly healthy. I think they didn't know what to say, mostly. I finally ended up admitting myself into a psych ward of the hospital as I didn't want to be responsible for what I might do to myself. I was thinking of ways to do myself in. My late husband Bruce prayed, "Lord, give me my wife back." Once I was in my room, I asked God if I was going to live or die. God said, "It's up to you." I told Him, "I want to live, so heal me." So, there I was for a week. I was put on certain medications. I learned a lot about myself while there, that I needed people. It's interesting, when the people in my group therapy were asked what good thing happened to them today, they all said that meeting me was their good thing for the day. My good thing, I explained was meeting them as well, but moreso learning more about myself.
Things didn't improve much after the week in the psych ward. I was still getting sick and weak. Only getting about four hours of sleep each night, bouts of crying. Fortunately, during this time, Bruce was home, not working, but seeking employment. He had just left the military. It was taking a long time for him to find a job. So, I was worried about that also. Looking back, I wondered, where was my faith. It wasn't that we didn't have finances. We had enough for at least another year, but I wasn't looking at one day at a time, I was looking to the future, which was not helping my anxiety either.
Later, my late husband Bruce did find a job, but was working in another town, three hours away, during the week, and would come home for the weekend. So I was having to manage the household. Sometimes, I'd have my older son make sure the younger son was up and ready for school, before the bus came, while I slept in. I also instituted a neighbor to stay overnight once to make sure the kids got off to school in the morning. After that, my older son asked me to get up with them again, so I did. It was the worst time in my life and I didn't know what was causing it. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to function at all.
Certain books that helped me were, of course the Holy Bible by God; Happiness Is A Choice by Frank Minirth, MD and Paul Meier, MD; and, Telling Yourself the Truth by William Backus and Marie Chapian, and the workbook Learning to Tell Yourself the Truth by William Backus; all of which I highly recommend. I also watched programs on TV that made me laugh, like Family Matters. At first, I had to make myself laugh, but my laughter soon became genuine. My laugh also changed from before all of this sickness began. About a year later from this, I wasn't healed, but I was able to function pretty much normally, with medication, and work a full-time job. But it wasn't the end. Once I finally was diagnosed with the Eosinophilic Esophagitis, I had to determine what foods were causing me to be sick. After eliminating all of them, I felt better, and since 2010, I haven't been sick from the disease and have been able to gain weight. Praise God!!!
If you are having a tough time with sickness, hang in there. Reach out to God to help you to manage whatever is causing it and to be led to answers. Keep your focus on Him and not your circumstances. He will get you through it.
Thanks for reading this! God bless you!
Vicky Conklin-Johnson